[ je ne sais quoi * ]

Letting Go.

2011-10-17T18:17:00.000+08:00

I have poured out my heart,
And laid it right here for you.
And I've tried so hard,
That's the best that I can do.
You used to be all I had,
Now you're just not what I need.
I've got to get over you, and I know.
Then I can get back to me.

It's easy to read and re-blog posts that you come across, of love and life, of breaking up & moving on. Things that seem to relate to what you're going through at that very moment, but what you don't really say. It's my turn to write what I've been feeling inside, spurred on by the very posts that I have been re-blogging on tumblr these past few months.

In August, I took the step of saying goodbye to the man who had shared my life for the past 3 years. So many memories, so many wonderful ones, that it hurts to even type this just thinking about them. What happened? I thought we could grow old together, the turning point was this simple question. Simple, but loaded.

I don't think you are happy, are you? - J.

She asked it, and it hit something deep inside. Why wouldn't I be? This is a guy who loves me, who spoils me, who's shared so many things with me. Why wasn't I happy? Life happened. We had become comfortable and stagnant, and we didn't try to save it. Well, I didn't try to save it, I let it happen. I let my beautiful relationship wither slowly and die.

I know I'm not over him, but there is a difference between sentiment and feeling. Am I missing him because of our history, our bonds, Pepper? Or am I missing him because I want him back in my life - that stability, that security, that sense of familiarity. Either way, do I want him back because he's the right one, not because he's right for me?

It is painful to let go, it has become extremely painful to hold on. Surrounded by memories, accompanied by confusion, guilt, regret and despair. It doesn't help when friends and family question us, even with accusatory tones. My fault? My loss? So today, his cousin came to talk to me. Started off friendly, ended off awkward. Was she being accusatory, protective of him? Maybe, I don't blame her. But couldn't she understand, I was hurting too. I wasn't okay, I wasn't having the time of my life without him. I wasn't the winner, there were no winners.

I thought I was brave to make the first step by initiating the break up. It comes in waves, that I can't see this through and walk away. It is easy to say, let go and walk away. It's harder when you're afraid that by letting go, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life. So much for courage huh?

I loved him so much once upon a time, and I guess I always will. At this crossroads in front of me, I have no inclination to either turn back or move forward. Clarity evades me, the stress comes uninvited in my sleep, waking me. Breaking up, always hurts, whether or not you initated it.

promise me, whenever i finally fail to make you smile, you will look for someone who will.
promise me, that when you finally had enough of me, you’ll let me go.
promise me that you won’t lead me on when you’re not prepared to be with me forever.

We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us - Joseph Campbell

Dear Mum

2011-08-19T21:29:00.000+08:00

You were never there.
I understood.
A woman like you,
you should have gone places.
Instead, for love,
you stayed where you were,
for him, for us.
I understood.

24 years down the road,
our relationship has finally turned the corner,
as I returned, a woman, earning my own.
I thought you understood.

So I started to tell you,
cracks were beginning to show.
You convinced me to work, to stay.
You and Dad had that too,
It was worth it, you'd make it.

I thought I understood.

Finally,
I bit the bullet and took the chance.
I gathered up the courage, to pick up
what was left of me and run.
I didn't think you'd understand,
but I hoped to God, you would.

I told you tonight.

I expected your reaction.

But oh wow, it hurt me twice as much as I thought it would.

You chose him.
You questioned me.
You doubted me, you judged me, you neglected me.

Family first?
No.
I thought, you would, of all people, understand.

the morning after

2011-06-19T09:48:00.001+08:00

what happened?
it's all in bits & pieces.

never again.
i'm too old for this,
i should be mature enough.

i've a heavy heart,
and a sinking feeling.

the phone lies hidden,
imagine the messages it holds.

never again.

2004 vs 2011 quiz answers (in brackets)

2011-06-08T15:41:00.000+08:00

1.wadxZ ur hp number: 9862*&## [9735&^%$]

2.wad'll u do if u c ur gf/bf hugging a guy/girl?: it's just a hug ain't it? unless its that kinda touchy-feely up and down kinda embrace. [i won't jump to conclusions if justified properly]

3.ur fav song: alot. but currently clay aiken's i will carry you. [anthem by filo & peri ft eric lumiere (nic chagall mix)]

4.have a gf/bf?: lots of them. ;] [yes]

5.have ur own room? no.. tho technically it's mine.. [yes]

6.hates: emo stuff cos it makes you freaking emo & shitty.

7.wad u doin nw: this quiz

8.1 thing u cant live w/o: oxygen no?

9.where do u live: holland

10.wad wuld u do if sum1 tels u he/she lyk u: say thanks and then reject nicely if i'm not interested. [or if its too fast too furious too much]

11.when will u reject someone when he/she confess to you: if the feeling's purely platonic [, if the timing/environment is wrong]

12.where do u hangout: holland village

13.wad r u good at: poetry.

14.wad iZ it b0uT a perSon u can't stand: backstabbing, ditziness. [judgment without knowing]

15.waD d0 u wAn: acceptance and non-superficiality. [acceptance]

16.a w0rd daT describe u: spontaneous [complicated]

17.wadxZ ur dream: to be in a position of power so i'd never have to worry about tomorrow

18:day/nite: night because its easier on the eyes.

19:sunset/sunrise: sunset, because it signals the coming of night.

20:like a romantic bf/gf?: nope, prefer discreetness.

21:wad izzit b0uT de opposite gender daT attracts u: their eyes and character. [and smile]

22:r u an independent person: pretty much in certain aspects.

23: do u lyk skooL: yes when it's not stressing.

24.r u sTubb0rn: yes i'm ARIES.

26.believe in god: i believe he exists but nothing more.

27.ur fav physical feature: eyes. like to see if i can get lost in them. lol.

28.believe in fate: too much.

29.get pissed off easily: depends. more of short-term tho.

30.like ur parents: yes

31.r u a materialistic person: no, i can deal without stuff or money.

32.believe in love: shrugs- does it even really really exist? [yes but its draining & varied]

33.hw many piercings u hab: 6

34.will u get a tattoo: yes, i want to. lol. [4]

35.smoke: nay. [socially]

36.club / pub : no. i'm in the anti-clubbers' club. [lol. things change.]

37.clubbing: -see above-

38.will u forgive ur gf/bf if he cheats on u?: after we break up. [forgiven not forgotten]

39.will u expect ur gf/bf to forgive u if u cheat on him/her: not really since it's my fault. but i'm e faithful kind. [not really]

40.have u been on a trip recently?: no [yes]

41:fav country: england [currently, australia]

42.r u impatient: yes but ever since my phone got confiscated.. well. patience IS a virtue. [yes]

43.which brands do u prefer: adidas & those surfwear brands (guys') not the girl versions. [hehe. depends]

44.do you organise parties often: no, kinda failure at logistic stuff. [used to.]

45.do u hab gd frens: haha.. good question. but yes anyway. [yes]

46.do u think u r gd looking: honestly, no.

47.do u care abt looks: never a requirement.

48.do u think tt u r a gd stead: no, i prioritise stuff wrongly. [i'll give my all and work my butt off to make it work out]

49.do u use vulgarities: yes, who doesn't.

50.do u quarrel wif pple easily: mm. no.

51.r u forgiving: yes, but i don't forget.

52.do u get hurt easily: yes.

54.do u prefer girls wif long/short hair: short but sometimes long is nice.

55.is ur hair colored: no it's dark brown. [yes]

56.r u a romantic partner: no. [im not a fan of PDA]

57.do u wear a watch: yes [not currently]

58.wad color clothes do u like: black, purple, white.

59.will u chose love or $: love cos money is secondary.

60.do u prefer slp or eat: eat, i'm a peeg.

61.white or black: black

62.pink or red: red

63.fav flower: white roses

64.who you wish to receive flowers from: anyone who wants to buy flowers for me

66.fav perfume: don't wear the stuff.

67.favourite type of music: alt. rock, rap metal, neo-classical. [rock, classical, electronic dance music, acoustic, certain types of pop]

68.favourite past time: volleyball then hanging out wit people, reading. [just chilling]

69.fav drink: orange tea. PEPSI over coke btw. [hehe. i prefer coke now. and i'd still like orange tea if it was still being sold. tea would be best]

70.fav phrase: dots. [omg]

a new beginning

2011-06-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

after almost 3 years, i stumbled across this blog in my archives. looking back at my old entries, i laughed, i smiled and inside, a part of me teared. memories, has any wise old men said anything about them?

Every men's memory is his private literature - Aldous Huxley (author)

I used to write about experiences and about moments I thought were pivotal (at that point of time). I stopped writing back in 2008 because of I had lost inspiration and motivation. It is a new beginning now, and what better way than to re-visit my old blog.

Think of it as an injection of fresh memories. Maybe in 2014, I'll re-read this entry, and smile :)

before the curtain falls.

2008-07-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

due to the lack of inspiration, creativity..
whatchamacallit,
this author, thepoetwhoforgot-
shall take a step back,
and try to recall what it was
she was supposed to have remembered.

2008-06-18T15:37:00.000+08:00

Coldplay Lyrics
Viva La Vida Lyrics

unintended

2008-05-13T20:03:00.000+08:00

i took a long walk today
huddled against the cold
the ipod, my buffer
and solitude, my sole companion
i don't know what i was walking for
i don't know what i needed to see
everything seemed so far away
and the lure of the sign was enticing and deep
i took one look
and i walked on by
and then i walked past what,
what, perhaps i'd been meaning to reach
unconsciously
i'd walked to that i was yearning for
it took a glance
and a tilt of the head
the light was on
somebody was, is home
was it you?
i took one look
a smile upon my face
i remember how it was before,
before darkness shaded it all
and i walked on by.
yes,
i chose to walk on by.

2008-05-12T21:40:00.003+08:00

i looked through your box of notes
for something that you were looking for
if there's one memory even that you could keep
i doubt it will fail to make you weep

i know it's cold outside.
as you try,
i know you can't help but lie,
see what it feels like to die.
this can't be the end.

gravity pulls us all down
as we crash and burn
we can only try to make it and learn
even angels cry sometimes

i believe the magic of the artificial high
as it makes you smile,
maybe just for awhile.

the pain i see in your eyes
it's such a surprise
how long before you come down,
crashing and bound

i wish i had more to say
as you sat there in your hell
the daily grind messing you inside
it isn't that simple, i find.

i wish i could take your pain,
and say my shoulders can bear more than yours,
but you're stronger than me.
i can see through the wreck that you surmise.

every inch of hurt,
i feel it amplify in me.
remember how we used to laugh,
is it so far away this time?

i hold on to you, it's all i can do.
this poem i write, it's all i can do.
only words, but it's all i can do.

even at goodbye.

2008-05-01T17:54:00.000+08:00

even at goodbye,
you still had the heart to make me cry.
it wasn't enough for you,
that you broke my heart in two.
you had to leave with the windows broken,
and the roof un-fixed.
you had to leave with our photo torn,
and the gas leak.

i see all along,
that i was the only one standing still.
the smallness of me,
enveloped in the enormity of you.

this anorexia,
to throw up the goodness,
and ravish the bad.
to cleanse myself of all that was black.

i returned time and time,
to the door you left behind.
each time i could fly,
i clipped my wings a little bit inside.

a chained bird,
a tame butterfly.
when freedom seemed like a past lifetime.

i watched you,
as you took your turn with the dice.
even at goodbye,
you remembered to make me cry.

2008-04-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

waiting/ how long can you stand/ for the plane to crash/ or the birds to fly/ as the hours go by/ today, tonight/ what is the point in my life?/ where i may lay down and cry/ to think back and reminisce/ today, tonight/ drugs don't seem to numb/ my head spins still and nothing can be done/ work is piling,/ i am drowning/ slowly but surely/ am i dying?/ today, tonight/ can i imagine all the people like me now/ streets a-barren/ cities a-lit/ yet in the busiest clubs of downtown/ music can't drown out nor block/ the sight and the sound/ of many a broken crowd/ dance dance/ smoke smoke/ inhale, exhale/ drink drink/ kiss kiss/ love/ drugs/ sex/ where does life factor in?/ where is the meaning?/ in the end despite what they call them/ the only real stars are those/ up in the sky in the twilight.

©Sophie Ng 2005

2008-04-16T19:08:00.000+08:00

the beat starts up, the lights dim.
it feels like home,
my head starts to pound.
drop after drop,
it burns inside,
i feel the pain dissipate.
the music picks me up and sets me down,
i sweat, and i'm surrounded by sound.
bodies glide, and stick-
strands plastered to my face,
empty bottles litter the floor.
held hostage to the ache,
it all ends when i wake.

2008-04-13T01:00:00.000+08:00

mockery killed the bird/ who sang when she cried/ lies sheltered inside/ sing a lullaby and die/ her heart was as heavy as stone/ love and hate both weighed it down/ none could make her come around/ his love would kill her/ but he wouldn't stop/ so she threw herself from misery/ and flew the ten floors to the ground/ welcoming concrete and splashed blood/ graffitied the white/ his love would kill her/ but he wouldn't stop/ her pain suffocates/ mockery killed the bird/ it sang while she cried.

2008-04-12T10:20:00.000+08:00

faceofsadness embellished&imprinted painstakinglyetched mournfullyacknowledged throughtheartist'sshakinghand onparchmentsothin itshattersunderhertremblingtouch.

futility.fragility.edgy.despaired.mad.pained.

him:'so why poetry?'
her:'so i may express my pain beautifully.'

there are four deaths. one, when you're born; two, when you fall in love; three, physical death; and fourth, when you're forgotten. i'd like to slow that down because i don't want to die. therefore i write. like paying people to care about me. to know how good i am, i have to run away. when i have to explain things, i feel like someone else inhabits me. and i hate it. lie in fiction, and i'll fix you like a stick-pin in a song. the moon through a window becomes an indoor moon, the way light through stained glass gets tainted divine.

2008-04-10T22:08:00.000+08:00

silly girl what makes you cry?
it's been so long
what made you change your mind?
you can tell the world what you want them to hear
i'm up for the little white lies
it's easier said than done
can't say that we tried
only 21
so much more inside
you and i,
we can see the world,
and fall in love
don't hold back
on what you couldn't get
i see you broken inside
and you throw up from the fight
all those countless sleepless nights
don't you think it's safe?
or how much do you wish you'd gave?
in the end,
it's only you left to blame,
for holding on,
when it's cut you so
and oh,
only 21 but you've grown so old.

2008-04-09T22:13:00.000+08:00

it shouldn't sting, i know it shouldn't.
the scars remain, but the wound is healed,
it ought to be by now.

every day is a new one,
memories take their turn,
and then to the past they usually return.

her lies also serve to hide,
perhaps what she thinks is real.
or maybe all that she doesn't know for sure.

but she doesn't know,
miles away, it stings.
scratching at the scars,
digging for the wound beneath.

she doesn't know,
how her story of love and woe
flies beyond air and sea
and hits me deep in the soul.

she doesn't know,
how it stings,
like a needle through my skin.
i cannot breathe.

and briefly the triangle re-appears.
but it shouldn't sting,
no, not anymore.
it won't sting like before.

2008-04-07T19:38:00.000+08:00

i am sleepy.
it's hard to concentrate when faced with a tough essay topic, about the invention of traditions and nation-states.
40 winks won't hurt.
i just need 40 winks.

still, i can't decide. a can of worms, no doubt. but closure lets you not turn back. and then sometimes, unresolved issues are better left unattended to.

2008-04-06T21:35:00.001+08:00

so where do we start/how do i begin/this, trying to speak,/trying to tell.
the memory of how we met/and then how we fell/down into that/in the end only i
only i, remained./the watercolours stained/and i tried to save/i tried and i waited/
in vain./and years after,/pick up the pieces/and i see the end/of the beginning which/
i'd tried so hard to retain.

two years later, and you still amaze me.

the poet who forgot

2008-04-05T22:16:00.000+08:00

quite simply it was that,
the times of sadness and the times of glad,
it was all a whirl, a walk in the park
and the kindness of the silent dark.
it was black and then it was grey,
it was colourful and then it was May.
it was all i couldn't see.

and thinking back,
i remembered my call,
looking up at the stars and all.
the empty paper with its white,
i remember it clearly like how it's night.
the poet that forgot how to write.

the hourglass that wore its way,
the bell that could not play
quite simply then as it were,
everything was naught,
i was the poet who forgot.

writer's block

2008-03-31T17:40:00.000+08:00

the second hand ticks by agonisingly
tock
pen to paper,
even the ink's clogged.

tick
silence hangs heavy in the air
emptiness overwhelms, and then

tock

nothing flows like before.
the wait is frustrating,
a grey slate taunts

tick
veiled appearances

is something there?
the mind struggles for something.

tock
and an hour goes by.

Delorentos - Do You Realise

2008-03-28T21:47:00.002+08:00

Song lyrics | Do You Realise lyrics

the accidental academic

2008-03-27T21:22:00.000+08:00

i once watched this show where a doctor (doctorate holder) was talking to another doctor (a medical professional). the medical doctor asked the other what specialisation she was doing, and she was like 'i'm not that kind of doctor.' and he replied, 'oh, the book type.'

i sure as hell didn't consider academia as a career path, but i see that as an increasing possibility with each semester spent here in melbourne. perhaps it's because i really do enjoy what i'm studying. once you're doing something you love, it doesn't feel like work. and i find myself motivated to aim higher.

a friend asked if i'm pursuing this route in order to run away from something. i don't know what i am supposed to be running from, but i do admit that there's something i need to find out. however, there's a common assumption that academia is for people who run away from reality, choosing instead to constantly stay in an institution and improve one's theoretical knowledge, and for what use? to make better informed decisions? to have a list of titles next to one's name? to teach?

i don't actually intend to teach. maybe while i pursue subsequent degrees (if i do end up doing more), but not as a career. perhaps i just want the degrees in order to feel a sense of justification, that i'm not average, that i'm not stupid. i don't really know. but i do love staying at home, in front of my laptop and reading.

we'll see. :)

2008-03-19T20:22:00.000+08:00

one word.

lonely.

that's all there is to it.

2008-03-15T20:04:00.000+08:00

nothing good about goodbye.
2007 all over again.

i don't know where to start.

you put me in a blind,
a whole new metaphor.
i put my trust in,
in you.

i believed,
when the world was against me.
i believed.
and i shouldn't have.

where's the person i knew?
where's the you,
you left behind.

and with a shudder,
my world collapsed,
and left behind your lie.

there's nothing good about goodbye.
goodbye.

2008-02-29T15:49:00.000+08:00

like a black hole,
sucked in everything.
i was barely breathing.

the cloud of illness has lifted,
i'm waiting for the sun to shine.

thanks for the love, care and well-wishes. :)

2008-02-17T03:31:00.002+08:00

Never again will i touch you.
Never again will i trust you.
I didnt listen to mum,
she told me fire burns.
I had hoped it'd warm instead.
And i had hoped, again and again,
despite getting burnt, singed and hurt,
again and again.

___________________________________________________________
Support the World Aids Awareness campaign this month with Yahoo! For Good http://uk.promotions.yahoo.com/forgood/

2008-02-13T03:34:00.000+08:00

You make me wanna call you in the middle of the night.
You make me wanna hold you till the morning light.
You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall.
You make me wanna surrender my soul.
I know this is a feeling that I just can't fight.
You're the first and last thing on my mind.

but.

You spin me right round baby, right round,
Like a record baby, right round, round, round,
You spin me right round baby, right round,
Like a record baby, right round, round, round.

haha. obviously feeling musical tonight.
sigh.

2008-02-11T22:27:00.000+08:00

in tribute to this person,
who, when i was viewing my old blog of yesteryear,
i came across this entry.
with valentine's day coming up,
how appropriate.
here's wishing everyone, a chance to be loved like this,
once in your lifetime.

strange that i've come across a birthday present from a year ago which i've never opened.

strange that i now open it, now watch it, a year from yesterday year and a day before my birthday.

a present from someone who wanted t show his feelings in e only way he knew how.

two soul-mates, drawn together from young, joined by one carousel box, entwined by their mutual dares in e game o love and life til e end.

once upon a time.

love me if you dare, as i remain silent and you stand blindfolded on the train tracks as a train rushes towards you.

love me if you dare, as i make you cry until your heart can no longer break, and then, i rush t you in fear that you've grieved too much.

love me if you dare, as we both stand in a pit t be filled w concrete.

the point is this, such is the intracacy of life. that we do not want t recognise what we have. the funfair might last for days on end, the lights may never go out for months. but soon the fun will end and the fuses will blow. then darkness falls and the funfair has come t an end. one may reminiscise and wonder about the fun that was had, or could have been, had they gone for the ride. but regrets make memories sad and Fate paves our paths in her light.

one o the best presents i've ever received, from someone once upon a rainbow, who loved me in his own way, 365 days later.

thank you.

dated 2006 from xanster@diaryland.

The Ordinary Poet

2008-02-11T01:22:00.001+08:00

A weary day ran into a lumbering night.
Yesterday wasn't so bad at all, looking back.
Times have changed, my fellow man.
When they were eager and young,
and crowded around you for a piece.
I write of the past with resignation,
a hard day's work, just another day again.
So yesterday's admirers are today's passers-by.
And it goes again,
my ordinary day in an ordinary time.

__________________________________________________________
Sent from Yahoo! Mail - a smarter inbox http://uk.mail.yahoo.com

2008-02-10T01:06:00.001+08:00

The power of a name.
Broke my spell.
The power of your words,
singed at my heart.
No, I am supposed to laugh it off,
laugh it off..
Act like they don't hurt.
Act and laugh, silly girl.
Act and laugh.

__________________________________________________________
Sent from Yahoo! Mail - a smarter inbox http://uk.mail.yahoo.com

2007-11-28T12:52:00.000+08:00

i'm without internet,
and surprisingly i haven't been missing it.
school's wireless is dependable,
assuming i arrive here before 6pm every day.
haha.

finally,
will i be happy again?
here's to hope and renewal.

2007-11-20T10:44:00.000+08:00

house viewing today was supposed to be 11am. but yeah, both lix and i slept late (separately!) and we had to push the timing back. so here i am, sitting with a bowl of sultana bran crunch and milk at 1.49pm watching a re-run of friends on tv.

my 21st would be in melbourne, and for some weird, illogical (perhaps) and unreasonable reason, there's a real dampener on my spirits. and the 21st is supposed to be a milestone eh? or perhaps, overrated? it'd be so off celebrating it before i go back, i mean that would be a whole month early. hardiharhar..

and i'm still dying to go to taiwan. somehow the inkling, no matter how minute, of me being able to find an alternative path out of my dreary old life is appealing. strangely, very appealing...

2007-11-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

exams over.
a sigh of relief.
now,
what do i do?

2007-11-18T19:28:00.000+08:00

as i'm brushing off the dust.
i smile fondly.
my little ol' bloggie.
:)

it's crazy, i used to blog daily.
and now, it's been 2 months since.

things have changed.
i like to think i'm stronger now,
i'm just letting my actions speak for themselves.

and here,
school-wise.
i just re-enrolled for the next semester.
this time 2 years on, i'd have graduated.

melbourne.
it isn't home.
but it's comfortable enough.
boring, yeah.
tinge of loneliness.
the expense, heavens!

but it'll do,
while i pursue my academic ambitions.
and the l.lb/j.d. that will come?
i await it, not eagerly, but expectantly.

i don't hope to practise law.
but i do see the point in having my double degree.
2 fields of study, both complementary.
maybe my future employers will overlook the fact i'm not an A*Star scholar or that i didn't have a 'S' paper.
:)

so will it be sing-bound?
hongkong bound?
or melbourne-destined?

if edwin chooses the rmit route, perhaps it'd be the latter.

parental love, and guidance and trust, and financial support.
the 1st 10 years of my career will be for them.

and here i am, on the eve of my last paper.
typing a semester-long reflection.
in a few paragraphs.
on my trusty ol' blog.
:)

2007-09-25T10:12:00.000+08:00

was watching rockstar wives, e! ths.
basically the attitude of them girls towards their hubbies who are adored, idolised, loved, admired, fawned upon by millions around the world, considering the fact that they are faced w temptation 24/7 (and goodness knows how many have succumbed) is this:

'at the end of the day, is the guy who promised to love, honour and obey, in sickness and in health, til death do us part, the kind of person that would do that to me? this is a question that only he, his conscience and God know. if he can do it to me, he doesn't deserve me and he knows it.'

'if he gives up 10 years of love, support and companionship for 1 hour's worth of fun, i do think he isn't the worthy man i thought he is. and i've yet to be proven wrong anyway.'

'it's about the trust. i trust he wouldn't do it to me. and if he did, i trust he wouldn't let me know. when i do, however, it's faster than goodbye.'

'as long as his heart is mine, i guess men just can't control their dicks as well. they're built poorly like that.'

'if he can live with it, good luck to him. when i find out, he'll wish he were dead.'

'i don't let things like that eat me up. yeah, i do think about it. but i just put it to one side and go on with my life. i'm an independent woman and i don't need a man to make me fulfilled.'

amen.

2007-09-19T19:13:00.000+08:00

holidays. and its good. alot of me-time.
sleeping in, tv watching, home-cooked food..
warm bed, rainy nights, more tv..
hot mug of tea and my new read: the tale of murasaki.
lovin' it.
very much deserved. :)

2007-09-10T18:37:00.000+08:00

finally.
the closure of a long, dreary chapter.
mixed feelings.
but hey,
it's all up to fate now :)

2007-08-29T17:38:00.000+08:00

essay deadlines :(
would appreciate some coffee & company. :)

2007-08-25T21:32:00.000+08:00

i'm sad. it's clear.
and i wish you were here.

no it's not that simple,
and perhaps it's me,

my hand, my doing,
my own lack of empathy.

the smokes, the night,
ways to forget.

they don't mean anything
when there's nothing to endear.

my life was simple,
and it may still be.

but for now,
blurred in the grey.

need to be strong,
to hold on.

to let go and yet not leave.
running's too simple,

too simple for me.

what you thought of me;

2007-08-19T12:11:00.000+08:00

does it hurt to know i'll never be there?
it was you, who chose t end it like you did.
and all this collapses upon me at night,
and i wish..

my eulogy.
i don't want to reflect,
i need to be strong.

to be through with you.

perhaps with time,
i may learn to love,
and let go,
and leave and not weep.

give me time,
to see you otherwise.

never again,
will i miss you.
too shattering, too shattering...

and i know now, nothing was real.
there isn't anything for anything else.

i need to look in the mirror,
and find someone else other than myself.

in memorium.

2007-08-17T12:48:00.000+08:00

it breathes and it stiffens.
this ice cold air,
sneaks into every crevice,
and tightens.

cobwebs surround,
the lone breath of time,
stops.

tick tick tock.
a footstep, and then two.

steps slowly.

it's loud enough,
to shatter the stillness.

black hair,
lined eyes.
dark-clothed.
all of them.

the prayers,
fight their way to be heard.
amidst the sound,
of drops falling.

fall. fell. fallen.

as she lies back down.
and hearts break, broke, are broken.

the blood-red is the sole light;
the colour,
the singular rose,
it brightens the melancholy of her grave.

my dear, a poem. because i love you, and in doing so, i love her too.

2007-07-03T16:31:00.000+08:00

even endings are beginnings.
as i sift through the memories of the archives,
the echoes of a new chapter await on the horizon.
this time next week i'd be in a whole new place, living in a whole new apartment, sleeping in a whole new bed...
but there will be vestiges of my past.
he'll be there.
and perhaps, the past may detour back into the future.
:)
i dare not hope.
i realised there is life without and after him.
but it is a decision i have made- and something i will not regret.
it'd make me stronger,
and i know if i turn away without knowing what could have been, after having come this far, i'd regret it.
my once in a lifetime, it'd be silly to say goodbye on a impulse.
and absence does make the heart fonder, although, for you- it'd may probably be out of sight, out of mind...
but i don't know that, and i shan't assume.
meanwhile, thanks to the lovelies at the cliub known as rouge, and the complex known as peranakan place.
i don't know how one can call it a job- not really.
it was more like a money-earning fun activity.
haha.

and there is the guy who calls himself my 'big brother'.
although reality is totally the opposite.
you really made that much harder- and everything else all more worthwhile.
above all, you taught me alot, and woke me up from my sadness and pain.
i wish..
no i don't. and i shouldn't.

farewell is just a word people say to cover the silence before going away.
i'm only leaving for awhile.
so i won't say farewell,
i'd say, see you again.

don't forget how i left my footprint in your sandy beach.

2007-06-06T02:04:00.000+08:00

shall close down my blog.
the cobwebs are flooding my laptop.
:)

2007-05-02T00:21:00.000+08:00

the end of my NUS life.
the start of a new chapter down under.
with or without a certain someone..

it won't be easy.
physical proximity doesn't equal acceptance,
or forgiveness.

an uphill climb.
still want in?

2007-04-08T20:27:00.000+08:00

it just pisses me off so much, when you take me for granted;

that you assume i'd always be there.
that you're too important to me.
that i can't say no to you.
that i try to stand up to you but it never works.
that i can't stand up to you.
that your happiness is vital to mine.

all those little things you do,

like denying the obvious.
thinking you're that good at hiding things.
assuming i'm that dumb.
trusting that i'd forgive you even if i find out the truth.
pretending white lies are not really lies.
taking that i'd accept anything, even crumbs, from you.

they accumulate in my heart and soul.
and make me grow that little bit colder to you.
every single day.
every thing you do,
over and over again,
it makes me grow,
that little bit colder to you.

cos i'm sick of being hurt by you.
sick of being affected by you.
sick of being an option not a person.
sick of being wanted when in need,
and then thrown aside except for the obligatory message or call once a day or two days.

the tables have turned.
you can try to touch me again,
but it'd never be that deep anymore.

2007-04-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

i hate it that ure not around
and the fact that u didnt call
i hate the way ure always so busy
i hate it that im no longer a priority.
i hate the way u no longer seem to care
and that careless tone of urs makes me swear
i hate it that u made me cry
and even more so when i found out that u lied.
i hate the way that i still love u
even tho, try as i might, i dont want to.

courtesy of jas' friend.

haha.

oh and i'm 20 now. 20 and going on to a month. :P

2007-03-19T15:34:00.000+08:00

i've an assignment due tomorrow- which i haven't started. and which i'd probably start only tonight (after 9pm).
*memo to self: print out ps presentation paper & assigment (after completion!)
i'm getting a new phone!!! :) not the nokia 7390 but the samsung z370 i think. haha. candy bar candy bar~
ive been eating so much chocolate recently i think i'm gonna turn into one. and my body's aching terribly after a long overdue appointment @ the beach and the volleyball. yes, i still remember how to tap, set and dig! :)
gotta rmb t cut my hair & all soon.
i wish i could stay in bed the whole day. sigh but i gotta gotta come t school this week. enough pontanging. :(
and i realised after saturday that my english is fcuked up. i shall endeavour to speak in proper english tomorrow.
AND I WANT TO PLAY MAHJONG.

3 more days!:)

2007-03-17T15:47:00.000+08:00

slowly but surely, i'm getting out of this rut.
the past few weeks have been getting better,
i love my dearies for helping me all the way, and those i've come t find, were there all along & were just waiting for me t notice them.
clara, guano, jas, char, jin, david, ku, oliver, daniel, jeremy, germaine & those who popped me random messages w shoutouts & hellos!
when one door closes, another opens, just so happened i was busy looking at the closed door to notice it.'

enough of emo-talk.
stomp the yard ain't worth the money.
go use it and buy my birthday present, peeps! :)

23rd march - MoS (Smoove), i'm celebrating my birthday, come on down and give me a hug ya! :)

i haven't been to school properly for like 3 weeks already. tons of work to catch up upon, study buddies, please date me out NOW!

fingers crossed- quick, quick respond t me! i'm awaiting my acceptance, and i'm all ready t go!

you messaged me in the early twilight morn', saying things that moved me t tears but no, i didn't cry. i'm not strong enough but i won't let you know. all those pretty words you said- they don't mean a thing now. que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. even if you can forgive yourself for hurting me, i don't know if i can- and i see whether you like it or not, she's become the one you hurt more every time you pretend or try. even though she's the one there with you, she'd wish she were me.
a little victory, painful & bittersweet.

rachel yamagata

2007-03-15T13:09:00.000+08:00

No thanks
No more
No love
I'm done
I've had enough
You're going off with her
and I wish that I was
but there's another 'can be'
just because

Alright
Be on your way
The kindest thing to say
is not that you are falling for me
say you'll come back to my arms again someday

Oh baby write some words about
how you can't shut me out
how you must find a way
to see me one more time
one more time

and please call up all your friends
and tell them it can't end
you don't know what you'd do
if you lost her
and lost me too

That's fine
That's good
That's nice
I understand the price
the cost of craving dark instead of light
I flip the coin to see if you still care tonight

My blood
my hand
my soul
I throw them under you without control
the things i freely give
you stole
and now I'm left in pieces

Oh baby tell the world about me
the way you won me over in a city you can't remember
You think it was September
sweet September
Oh baby, well it's alright
I know she needs you more than I do
and I wouldn't win this fight
but there's one thing that you've gotta do....

You've gotta tell the world about a girl you once knew
Oh she wasn't meant to be
but you fell so very deeply
in love....

with me.

2007-03-06T15:29:00.000+08:00

a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried after all this time I never thought we'd be here never thought we'd be here when my love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you'll ever know a part of me died when I let you go I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming that everything would be like is was before but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor after all this time I never thought we'd be here never thought we'd be here when my love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you'll ever know a part of me died when I let you go after all this timewould you ever wanna leave it maybe you could not believe it that my love for you was blind but I couldn't make you see it couldn't make you see it that I loved you more than you will ever know a part of me died when I let you go and I loved you more than you'll ever know

if i could, then i would, i'd go wherever you will go. i never wanna be the girl you left behind; i'd rather say goodbye then be the girl, the girl you left behind.

to see the person you love w another girl..

2007-02-23T11:23:00.000+08:00

finally, worst fears have come through. the person i've been fighting for may have met another, and yet i've just known it all along. and i don't blame anyone, i just blame myself. that i made that fatal move 4 months back and lost you when you wanted to stay. right now, the cards are in your hands, and the choice is yours. but i see the smallest of them all is me. it hurts and my insecurities drown me. i wish i could be stronger and put a stop to it, but i can't. 'cos right now, you're stronger than me. i don't doubt that love isn't there, but it has changed and isn't like it used to be. and it pains me, just 'cos i know i had it all but i let it go. will you choose her or choose me? sometimes i don't want to know, 'cos the answer seems so clear and yet i hope - against hope, that i'm wrong.
to see the person you love with someone else, does she make you smile like i used to do? does she take care of you? do you hold her hand the way you held mine? do you hug her tight and kiss her goodbye? :(

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown
If we must part forever,Give me but one kind word to think upon,And please myself with, while my heart's breaking.~Thomas Otway
Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken, it takes a while to get everything back together. ~Author Unknown
Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you. ~Author Unknown
Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. ~From the television show The Wonder Years
As soon as forever is through, I'll be over you. ~Toto

2007-02-15T04:23:00.000+08:00

cos it makes no sense to carry on so meaninglessly.
how many times do you want to hurt me?
why can't i get out of this rut?
why do i let you get to me?
i need to disappear.
from you.

2007-01-30T13:14:00.000+08:00

happier than i've ever been for quite some time.
let's hope this is for the best, and the start of something new.
:]

baby boy

2007-01-20T13:33:00.000+08:00

the past 5 months have been a major roller-coaster ride.
i've been hanging on to what i've realised, is a mere shadow of a relationship.
yes, i'm still in love with you, but you aren't that in love with me.
like i heard somewhere 'yes i do love you, but i'm not in love with you.'
and i think that sums you up perfectly.
i want to get back with you and treat you right,
but you don't want to.
you want to keep your options open.
i see that.
so do i.
believe me, the thought of being able to move on is so appealing.
no more heartache, no more turmoil, no more tears.
but my heart doesn't want t let go.
so i accept your offer on your terms.
it goes against every fibre of my being - but i do.
'cos i'll use it as something to get me by while i try to get out of this.
perhaps i'll have t end up sharing you with other girls.
ignorance is bliss isn't it?
i hope you'll respect me enough t tell me when something happens w one of them, and they become more than just 'a friend'.
my gut feeling, maybe hopelessly blinded, sees us back together in e future.
and that's what's keeping me hooked, line and sinker.
my love is unconditional.

and so will be, my pain.
my own cross to bear.
til i find my happy ending.

2007-01-15T01:00:00.000+08:00

why is it so hard,
loving you,
leaving you.

notting hill.
enough romantic comedies, thanks.

2007-01-08T21:42:00.000+08:00

ben and jerry's strawberry cheesecake rocks.
and i mean it when i said im gonna be HAPPY.
acid bar or timbre.
my new hangout places.
esp when ur in an emo-acoustic kinda mood.

2007-01-06T15:55:00.000+08:00

just so it's clear.
yes i broke up some time ago.
and i'm single.
but i'm still taken in a way.
cos i'm still in love.
and i'm nowhere near falling out of it.
so i'd appreciate some sensitivity and privacy.
thanks.

2007-01-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

another hiatus.
maybe i'd close down this blog.
far too dusty, far too under-used.
so much has happened.
so much re-evaluation.
what is truly important to me?
true friendship.
honesty.
true love.

and for awhile,
for a moment,
lines were blurred.

but i've come out,
hurt, scarred.
well, it takes pain and suffering to learn.

dear friends, enemies and those who are neutral.
believe not what you hear and see, but what you know and trust.

who i was and who i am are two different persons.
perhaps truly, time will tell and age makes people wiser.

i've lost someone important.
and i plan never to lose anything important to me anymore.

wake me up everyday,
and i'd thank the heavens i'm alive.
and i'll be happy,
and this happiness will last for a long time.

right now, i'm healing.
slowly but surely.
and i'm cutting ties,
with the last iota of who i used to be.

transition is over.
a turbulent transition period i may add.
but it ended today.

and second chances do hold true.
let me make it up to you.

2006-12-19T11:00:00.000+08:00

have decided to brush the cobwebs off my blog, do a lil' spring-cleaning in time for christmas.

well this christmas may or may not be a complicated one, hopefully a fun one as usual and a more personal one? considering the family will be overseas excepting dad and me. but dad wants t spend it @ e club and i'll stay at home w my friends.

a party of 5 to a party of 10? sigh. it all seems so fast. and ballooning rapidly.

well u noe how it is. i can't wait to go to bangkok on thursday. i can't wait for sunday to come cos then. well. someone will be back. but then things would pick up speed. and painful decisions would be made. my heart knows what i'd say, but my brain's shouting @ me to wake up and wake up and wake up. SLAP YASELF it says.

haha. is this how the oatmeal raisin cookie crumbles? cos it's so not funny and so illogical and just reinforces what a small world we all live in.

i just wanna stay home quietly and stone. waiting, waiting and waiting somemore. dearie me. i wish i knew how * felt. it'd make things so much easier. but i suppose it explains alot if # can't be that bothered t contact me. =/ silly silly sophie.

2006-11-25T15:10:00.000+08:00

i can't wait for next week to be over. 3/4 of my papers would be over by saturday. by monday, 11am, i'd be a free person. til january the 8th. anyone up for a full moon party in jan? lol.

christmas 2006 - a family-less one. granted, my dad and grandmother would be around. but everyone else is gonna be overseas. so floood w me invites, calls qand messages okay? i don't wanna be lonely :( lol. but at least i'm assured of two people's company, although i should just count on one. =/

je veux que vous soyez là.

2006-11-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

i don't want to be anyone's doormat.
not even yours.

no for now doesn't mean no forever.
but it doesn't mean a yes in the future either.

an ultimatum to stop me from leaving,
or a timely excuse to make an exit yourself?

truth be told,
i'm waning,
and this is getting old.

au revoir à vous, au revoir à tout que j'ai connu.
goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that i knew.
que vous étiez celui que j'ai aimé,
you were the one i loved,
l'une chose sur laquelle j'ai essayé de me tenir dessus.
the one thing that i tried to hold on to.
- michelle branch 'goodbye to you'.
french translation: me. lol.

sexual libertine

2006-11-14T16:14:00.000+08:00

i'm of the position that one's body is one's to deal w it as he/she decides.
as a tool (expression?) of love, possession, confidence, style.
chastity is overrated in this day and age.
traditions strive to remain,
but they can only be modified in order to stay relevant.

2006-11-11T14:45:00.000+08:00

til e time someone better comes along,
and maybe til e time i am convinced you're not worth it.

it'd always be just hanging.

distraction night xx 11th Nov 2006.
thanks t my peeps, the boys : sean, ju, guano, bran
the girls: jas, mel, char, guanzhen & ger.

how does a fling taste like?
;]

2006-11-09T12:46:00.000+08:00

I LOVE XIUXIU! -ger

2006-11-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

bear with me, my friends, and my present state of mind. hopefully everything would be better soon. And everyone, happier. :)

2006-10-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

i'd be happy because you are.
but it won't mean i am.

2006-10-28T13:30:00.000+08:00

how if you knew something you wish you didn't.
how it seemed so justified after what you did.
and how it may just be nothing but a farce.
silly you, for taking it so seriously.
but at this point, everything's all so serious.
look at how it's killing you inside anyway.
yes.
now it seems necessary for detachment.
the doctor's prescription?
a few days of self-restriction.

til a few days' time then.
friends, please jio me as often as you want for studying/lunches, dinners/outings.

a day at a time, carefully.

2006-10-28T03:56:00.000+08:00

everything tonight told me goodbye.
yes, perhaps i should let go.

right?

2006-10-27T20:02:00.000+08:00

thank you for everything.
but oh, what a heavy, heavy price to pay.
my cowardice has let me down.
live one day at a time.
thank goodness for exams.

can i make it okay again?

2006-10-23T16:14:00.000+08:00

perfect companions to a rainy day:
1) steaming bowl of delicious tomyam ban mian (without prawns please)
2) hazelnut latte (soy milk, thanks)
3) cuddled up in a room w a blanket & my chouchou.
4) WITHYOU. (hurhur, so much for cheeeezeee)

rain rain, go away
hopefully supper's ON. i crave teh tarik.

2006-10-20T13:13:00.000+08:00

2006-10-17T21:07:00.000+08:00

NUS. Or NUS. Or NUS.
decisions, decisions.
my first year.
my second & third?
the great leap forward.
let me know.

2006-10-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

mambo on wednesday!
can't wait.
haven't gone for SO LONG.
and no, i won't miss another PS lecture.
=]

2006-10-14T16:47:00.000+08:00

singlehood never seemed so bittersweet.

school starts, and i'll throw myself in w gusto.
reclaim that zest that lasted me through sec school & jc.
it's only the nights that tinge w sadness,
but hopefully the pain will pass.

no one but a select few know the chapter that has been torn.
whether the book will finish, or the second chapter written,
no one knows.

and i can only wait,
and it doesn't mean i'll ever stop.
but in the darkness i'll be,
and you won't see me, til you look for me.

2006-10-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

if i let you go
i would never know
how my life would be
holding you close to me
will i ever see
you smiling back at me
how will i know
if i let you go

and that is why
til the door slams shut
and the curtains fall
and you tell me to my face
word for word
and leave
not turning back

then only would i
let you go.

2006-10-05T12:23:00.000+08:00

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way your always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when your not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

2006-10-02T21:21:00.000+08:00

she wrote a poem the other day.
a mug of chocolate and crackers by her side.
fingers trembling, the pen shook;
zing zing zing
across the whiteness of the paper.

'a waltz meant for two;
danced by her all dressed up in tune.
neatly made up and oh so pretty!
toes a-tapping in rhyme.
hand held apart for a man's grasp
tippity, tappity, tap.'

she wrote a poem the other day.
fingers trembling and a tear dropped.
drip, drop, drip.

'she danced a waltz meant for two,
she danced it all alone,
tippity, tappity, tap.'

2006-10-02T14:22:00.000+08:00

there's a gap that's widening,
and a hole that is deepening,
through which i am falling.

from which there's no return.
or if there is,
a slow chance of recovery.

and i wish i knew.
i wish it was all more clear.

if it was really just me.

2006-09-28T20:45:00.000+08:00

i miss you like a big mouse loves rice.

such an apt metaphor.
and i wish i had rice right now.

into my own - robert frost

2006-09-25T11:34:00.000+08:00

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto th eedge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him the knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

someone i studied in jc. someone's poetry which seems relevant all of a sudden.

in this life there are both the bad and the good. only trust that you've got those who love you for both and that's enough to conquer the rest.

2006-09-18T22:51:00.000+08:00

it would make things so much better if you would just

BEND A LITTLE FOR ME.

it may be my fault, but you nitpick so much. i'm tripping over myself t get to you. and now that i've fallen, i don't know if i should pick myself up and go on or return back to base. and it doesn't help when you refuse to give in.

two raging bulls won't win. one will die and one will be seriously fucking injured.

2006-09-17T13:18:00.000+08:00

what a night, what a night, what a SATURDAY NIGHT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDDDY.

and then ROTANA/ROCKSTAR BBQ at yiwen's place in ulu-fied tampines.
and then MoS t meet my t2 people (albeit sean & ju only), guanooo, jem and marcus.
you came and made my night, and i know you didn't wanna club in the first place. :]

six shots, a hot mix of hiphop r&b and house, great people, fun company.
potent mixture for a sizzling night out.
easily the best i've had for ages.

i hear the R-people are planning mambo during term break.
ivan mambo comes t mind. lol.
wanna come w me again? ;]

the books have been waiting patiently while i partied.
tis time i returned to them.
week 6 here i come!

2006-09-16T15:56:00.000+08:00

a rainy dreary saturday afternoon and im staring at my lappie screen,
trying t drum up an eon of motivation t do my sociology assignment but -zilch-.

how everyone's (well mostly) studying (well i assume they are) and i'm not.
week 6 of school term is dawning upon us and i feel slack.
yet, i feel angsty.
this neverending cycle of competitiveness and undue pressure on students to perform,
something that can and may only be found in sunny ol' singapore.
suddenly going overseas seems so appealing..

and yet, that may deemed as a form of escape from reality.
if others could do it, why can't i?
always apply to oneself seemingly impossible situations that others have overcome, and you realise that your problems seem so miniscule.

alcohol seems like such a temporal escape that it has lost all its meaning.
once high, the after-effects are shit. and unworthy of having gotten drunk in the first place. but apparently good alcohol doesn't give you hangovers, well i can only conclude i haven't gotten really good alcohol EVER.

two guys and one girl. well, i'll just sit on the fence. but from an outsider's point of view, all's fair in love and war. may the best man win. from a friend's point of view, i just hope all get minimally scathed and may this end soon with all relationships un-severed.

how the price of a few puffs suddenly weighed so heavily upon me. a lesson learnt, the hardest, hardest way.

2006-08-29T10:23:00.000+08:00

6 hours t kill so im sitting here sweeping cobwebs off my blog. and im deciding whether i should return home t rest/mug or just stick it out in school where i'd be less likely t sleep my time away..

across me there's 2 pretty blonde and tall girls doing work, they seem t be speaking german. when im overseas and sitting at a cafe, would the local girls think that way of me too? lol. 'oi bridgit, ah vonder oo dat brune chinois iz?' hyuk. the 'grinning gecko' cafe at NUS central forum shall officially become my hangout for my duration of study here. the hazelnut latte rocks. 'nuff said.

and when one has so much time, one's mind starts t wonder..
time goes by, so slowly.
without my past, there wouldn't be my present.
personal epicurean philosophy: eat, drink and live, for we die tomorrow.
carpe diem, baby.

perhaps i fell in love w the 8th world wonder, but man, sucha drain.

2006-08-23T21:40:00.000+08:00

in fact, a brief hiatus is necessary.

2006-08-23T21:30:00.000+08:00

havent been coming online for awhile, and i see the flurry of activity that is taking place on my tagboard.. in fact, i shan't comment on anything. sensitive issues are being brought up, attacked, and commenting merely adds fuel to the fire. if people choose to believe what they want, it's their choice.

the artsbash is tomorrow. and im a bundle of nerves. i don't wanna screw up on stage, but i just might trip over my gown's train, my heels or forget to smile or dance. haha. well, t my darling rotana/rockstar/ramica/rolling family, thanks for the love & support. i hope i won't embarrass you people. =]

lastly, i made my decision a while ago, and i'll stick by it, no matter how tough the going gets. let's see how far this will go & how long my determination will last. and let me be brave enough to accept the reality itself. and you, you're too late. that's the way the cookie crumbles..

2006-08-21T23:47:00.000+08:00

seriously if YOU don't like me, DON'T bother about me.
stop tagging/reading my blog, or CARING.
cos u obviously fucking do, that's why those malicious tags keep popping up everywhere.

1) don't fucking judge me if u fucking don't know me.
2) don't fucking assume u do from what u hear.
3) im perfectly fine w the fact that not everyone may like me.
4) just cos i was screwed up in the past doesn't mean i am now.
5) no one's fucking perfect.

cos if you wanna piss me off or hurt me, it's working.
so if you're satisfied, just MOVE ON.

2006-08-20T10:59:00.000+08:00

and im back home again.
yearning for a cuppa hot hazelnut latte from starbucks (soy please)
it's my brother's birthday on monday but we're celebrating it today.
it's been such a long week,
what w the upcoming ARTSBASH @ MoS this THURS 24.8 (tix@$16w1drink)
and the PAGEANT which im taking part in..
yesyes, ms 'chor-lor-ness' will make a fool out of herself on stage,
please laugh and cheer anyway.
well, to more updates asap.
love.

mr dj, come pon de replay.

2006-08-08T22:27:00.000+08:00

o week finally broke for national day.
and i must sayyy..it (*$)*-ing rocks!!

and im f&#king tired.
time flies. i start school on MONDAY.
im really a NUS student now.
feels so weird..

2006-08-02T13:38:00.000+08:00

annoymous: slam me. i don't care. neither do my friends. have fun.

aside from that.
i wish i knew what you were thinking.
i still see your presence everywhere.
this silence fills up with the words we don't say to each other.
just in case you didnt know, i was teetering on the edge of falling.
if you read this, i hope you know that i mean you.

on a lighter note.
clara, bestie. thanks for being there. study hard alright, am waiting for you in nus (if u can pull yourself away from the lure of smu hotstuffs ;])
ger, ren. best girlfriend. (together forever + actions ;])
yiwen. someone that makes me laugh cos you're SO CRAPPY. (ok lar, and nice. ;])
nus people, carrie, ivan, euming etc. # reasons why one should go t nus fass. ;])

2006-08-01T12:53:00.000+08:00

such a lazy day. but summer's coming t an end and soon it'd be back t books & mugging. i just want bidding t be over and done w, it's so highly stressing. and i've a few projects in the pipeline - tabula rasa camp, parties.. etc. so there's work t be done. not t mention, O-WEEK!

i miss my 6 months of holidays already!

2006-07-30T14:41:00.000+08:00

and so the chapter ends
just so you know
a new one's entered the play
just so you know
i was waiting all this time
just so you know
it's too late for me to wait anymore.

i'll miss you.

2006-07-29T12:10:00.000+08:00

when all seems lost, you sink back into the circle of your loved ones and you know all's well again. when there's no one you can trust, you turn t them, those that stand beside you always.

there's ndp preview later! and a meet-up w 1/3 of my T02 class. long day long day. i tried a flaming lamborghini yesterday. and 2 tequila shots. and 1/8th of a bailey's green tea. and sheesha! i think i got damn high. but luckily i was back home and safe. well there's always a first time for everything. but i've no hangover! so i think i'm pro. haha.

ger wrote me a sms about 2 days ago. telling me i should be strong. i can't help it if i do get affected by it. i'm human after all. but thanks ren, i appreciate it 100%. after awhile i just forget all about it. what do they know anyway?

and on a nationalistic aside, i streaked my hair red.

2006-07-27T18:06:00.000+08:00

and you walked on by;
leaving me with nothing,
not even a glimpse of your light.

pathetic how one assumes.

2006-07-26T15:18:00.000+08:00

im on a renewed x-japan high. yoshiki, hide (R.I.P.), pata, heath, toshi.. those were the days of real rock music. it's true - regardless of race, language or religion - music speaks to all who seek for it. it's undescribable when you just hear that first note of a song or melody, that first lyric, the voice that translates it into the words, those instruments that weave it into one, and you know that IS the one, the one song you've been wanting to hear for your whole life. music has always been very important to me - however sadly unfortunate i am to be cursed without the ability or the perserverance to go learn. so i turn my longing and my deprivation into appreciation and passion for those that can. but i doubt i'd ever be complete..

i remember those days i sat by the piano and tinkled the first notes of the usual kid's songs we learn in the first few grades. and how swiftly i gave in to my child-like impatience and left it to run in the sun. and how i sought to play in my later years, and realised - that it was too late.

an old flame revisited ::

2006-07-25T13:11:00.000+08:00

2006-07-23T16:54:00.000+08:00

and before i was thrown off tangent w e purpose o political cos i was so pissed at seeing e tag - in fact im gonna just leave the tag there. go see it. opinionate. whatever. fyi, my response is below this post.

w regards of hezbollah (some networks spell it as hizbollah) in lebanon and israel's excessive and extreme bombing. another indication of jewish arrogance backed and supported by the sole american hegemony. it is ironic that condoleeza rice herself has said there cannot be a ceasefire when all over the world, people know that israel isn't just targeting the militant infrastructure, civilian life in beirut as they know it, has been heavily devastated.

1) iraq-american war 2003 : a hospital in baghdad was bombed despite the american forces knowing that there were patients and staff still inside just because the taleban army had stored weapons there.
adapted excerpt from records between a US officer & an Iraqi doctor.
US Officer: Do you not deny nor protest the storage of the weapons in the hospital knowing that by doing so, the hospital would be a target?
Doctor: Do you honestly think anything I did would have made a difference?
Officer: Why didn't the army leave then? Then the hospital wouldn't be a battleground.
Doctor: Why didn't the US army detour around the hospital and fight somewhere else then?
Officer: ... (speechless)

Iraqi Mother & US Officer:
Officer: You lost your husband to Saddam Hussein's tyranny. We came to liberate you.
Mother: And I lost my son to American bombs. What difference does that make?

the americans insist that there were weapons of mass destruction that have YET t be found. a PLANNED invasion of the US by the terrorists that has YET t be backed by solid evidence. apparently such assumptions are enough t bypass the UN charter's requirements, international law and opinion.

and we see it happening again.

a UN security council's resolution for an immediate ceasefire was vetoed ONLY by the US. 'nuff said.

in 2004 i went to the north thai-myanmar border. i lived w the shan refugees at the lao hu orphanage in the mountainside. i saw first-hand the children who'd lost family and homes in the myanmese civil war and bloodshed. there was no logical reason why they had to suffer. i see it again now. clearly, war blurs the line between reason and agenda. and the real victims are the civilians, the country and the future.

2006-07-23T16:45:00.000+08:00

1) mr/ms annoymous. get your facts straight. i do not throw myself t guys. when i club, i club w either my girls or my friends. and they do not let strangers dance w me. let me cite an example: a guy @ cocco was trying t dance w me, immediately ian pulled me away. my friends always defend me, and i likewise.
2) if i 'needed'guys so much, i'd probably be 'scandalising', actively dating or attached. FYI, ive been single. 2 years and counting.
3) girls are hotter. accuse me of throwing myself at them rather than THEM.
4) i told myself before i wouldnt stoop t levels of defending myself anymore. except this - when it's near an attack OR an attack on my character.
5) don't just assume. you make an ASS out of YOU and ME. know before you think, think before you speak.
6) last but not least. has it occurred t you that having guy friends doesn't mean one's throwing oneself at them. maybe they just do get along well, same interests, behaviourisms (i.e: checking out girls etc) considering i used to be an active? in fact, if you don't understand what that means, you know shit.

have some guts, confront me FACE TO FACE. don't just tag annoymously.

2006-07-23T10:19:00.000+08:00

ive noticed spiders and cobwebs actually stringing out of my monitor screen. ahahaha. due t e immense amount of stuff that has been cropping out, i've hardly had time t come online, chat, check email and update my piece of the cyberworld.

prep camp came and went in a twinkling of an eye and ended in a blast. basically, it rocked. as expected. im glad im back w 1/3 of my original OG, ROTANA in my new OG, ROCKSTAR. haha. so poseur right? but whatever lar, it's just fun.

grr, mum's making me go off t go t church. shall continue this later. =] til then, xx, S.

2006-07-16T22:06:00.000+08:00

i've got arts orientation week prep camp tomorrow til tuesday. not t mention a full-scale medical checkup which i'm quite nervous about! lol. heard it includes like urine tests and chest x-rays? or maybe that's just nonsense. i'm so tired. my bodyclock's still tuned t the big apple & i'm tiring myself out trying t sleep according t singapore time - and obviously failing - since you cant exactly force yourself t sleep when your mind's WIDEAWAKE. anyway i just had a look at my organiser - and i'm BUSY like almost everyday. which is damn weird since i've stopped working. lol. but anyway, i have made it a point that on days in between filled ones, like say BUSYfreeBUSY or freeBUSYBUSY or BUSYBUSYfree, i'm gonna stay at home and reject all would-be/requested appointments on those days.

two more days t mambo! =]