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the sun, the sand & the sea.
politikal analyst.
digs rock, raves, elektronik danze musik & fun reads.
10/17/2011 06:17:00 pm, Monday, October 17, 2011
I have poured out my heart,
And laid it right here for you.
And I've tried so hard,
That's the best that I can do.
You used to be all I had,
Now you're just not what I need.
I've got to get over you, and I know.
Then I can get back to me.
It's easy to read and re-blog posts that you come across, of love and life, of breaking up & moving on. Things that seem to relate to what you're going through at that
very moment, but what you don't really say. It's my turn to write what I've been feeling inside, spurred on by the very posts that I have been re-blogging on
tumblr these past few months.
In August, I took the step of saying goodbye to the man who had shared my life for the past 3 years. So many memories, so many wonderful ones, that it hurts to even type this just thinking about them. What happened? I thought we could grow old together, the turning point was this simple question. Simple, but loaded.
I don't think you are happy, are you? - J.
She asked it, and it hit something deep inside. Why wouldn't I be? This is a guy who loves me, who spoils me, who's shared so many things with me. Why wasn't I happy? Life happened. We had become comfortable and stagnant, and we didn't try to save it. Well, I didn't try to save it, I let it happen. I let my beautiful relationship wither slowly and die.
I know I'm not over him, but there is a difference between sentiment and feeling. Am I missing him because of our history, our bonds, Pepper? Or am I missing him because I want him back in my life - that stability, that security, that sense of familiarity. Either way, do I want him back because he's the right one,
not because he's right for me?
It is painful to let go, it has become extremely painful to hold on. Surrounded by memories, accompanied by confusion, guilt, regret and despair. It doesn't help when friends and family question us, even with accusatory tones. My fault? My loss? So today, his cousin came to talk to me. Started off friendly, ended off awkward. Was she being accusatory, protective of him? Maybe, I don't blame her. But couldn't she understand, I was hurting too. I wasn't okay, I wasn't having the time of my life without him. I wasn't the winner, there were
no winners.
I thought I was brave to make the first step by initiating the break up. It comes in waves, that I can't see this through and walk away. It is easy to say, let go and walk away. It's harder when you're afraid that by letting go, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life. So much for courage huh?
I loved him so much once upon a time, and I guess I always will. At this crossroads in front of me, I have no inclination to either turn back or move forward. Clarity evades me, the stress comes uninvited in my sleep, waking me. Breaking up,
always hurts, whether or not you initated it.
promise me, whenever i finally fail to make you smile, you will look for someone who will.
promise me, that when you finally had enough of me, you’ll let me go.
promise me that you won’t lead me on when you’re not prepared to be with me forever.
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us - Joseph Campbell